The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
