My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
