She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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