I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
