I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize