dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
