I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
