im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
