I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
