I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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