I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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