and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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