in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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