My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
