Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
