You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
