i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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