Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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