I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
