Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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