perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
