Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
