Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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