I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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