I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
