My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
