we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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