Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
