Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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