Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
