Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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