i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
