I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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