absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
