I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize