it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
