I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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