the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
