my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
