You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
