this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
