Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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