I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
