There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
