I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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