Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
