I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sext me about skeletons
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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