the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
