I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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