You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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