I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
