so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
