New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
