dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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