Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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