Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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