I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
