i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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