Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
NoShamevember. You game?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize