: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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