He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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