im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Congratulations! We have a period
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
