After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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