At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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