I am puke
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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