i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
