my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
