I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
